The Merchandising Tie-Up That Should Have Been

(The following TV commercial would work best if [1] you’re a fan, and [2] they actually use the original trailer of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith and just replace certain images.)

The TVC opens with a black screen. You hear that very familiar, ominous mechanical breathing. Then you hear voices:

“Lord Vader.”

“Yes, Master.”

“Rise!”

Scene opens with just a shaft of light, smoke rising from below. Grand, bombastic John Williams score.

Cut to reaction shots from Palpatine, Amidala, Obi-Wan.

Cut back to the shaft of light: more smoke rising from below, as the breathing becomes more ominous. Something is rising from below.

Cut back to more reaction shots: Mace Windu, Count Dooku, the Wookies; Yoda turns, anticipating someone… or something. John Williams’ score soars, peaks.

Cut back to the shaft of light. It is revealed what was rising from below—an open box of Chow King Chow Fan Fried Rice. The smoke rising is the steam from the freshly-cooked rice. The illustrations on the box are from the movie.

VO Announcer: “Every order of Chow Fan Fried Rice now comes in a commemorative Star Wars box. Comes in four special designs. Only from Chow King. Hurry—if you’re a fan, get the Fan. May the Force be with you.”

End shot: omnibus shot of the four variants of the commemorative Star Wars boxes, with necessary copy, like the DTI-NCR permit number, promo period, etc.