All Bark, But Will They Bite?

Last night over dinner after rehearsals, my director and I were bonding with some of the kids we were working with on this play. Our discussion settled on two guys in the production, let’s call them Ernie and Bert. (Neither was with us that night, making it easier for us to talk about them.) Ernie is a gregarious, out gay guy while Bert is this very quiet, always scowling handsome guy whose girlfriend is part of the cast.

Me: “Did you know that Ernie and Bert used to be a couple?”

Direk: “No kidding!”

The others confirmed that indeed Ernie and Bert had been a couple before. They were inseparable when they first entered college. Direk couldn’t get over it.

Me: “Maybe they were just best friends. Maybe it’s just platonic.”

Direk: “C’mon! Weren’t they lovers? How can a couple be lovers and not have sex?”

I turned to the kids. “Wait. Would you know if Bert and his girlfriend have had sex?” All three were definite. “Yes. In fact she tells us about it.”

Me: “Well, what if Ernie and Bert are not really homosexuals?”

One of the students volunteered, “Actually they say that their bisexuals daw.”

Me: “Yeah, but did the two ever have sex with one another?”

The kids looked at each other and shook their heads. “I don’t think so, I doubt,” said one of them.

Direk and I: “Hu-whaaat?!”

Me: “See? So maybe they were really just best friends!”

One of them raised his eyebrows: “Yeah right, best friends who are always together and just like to hold hands and kiss each other on the lips and sleep over at each other’s houses.”

I was incredulous: “So maybe, hmmm… perhaps their relationship is, uh, platonic that’s, ah, physically demonstrative?”

Direk waved his hands in front of me and smiled: “Wait! Maybe we can label their relationship as…” dramatic pause “…puppy homosexual love?”

So all you guys who call yourselves straight-acting or bisexual or bi-curious or bi-experimental or gay-friendly or whatever it is you want to call yourselves, you now have a new term you can use: “puppy homosexual love.” Just make sure you do it doggy-style.

After all, what’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would wither and die. That which we call a fish by any other name would smell just as fishy.