Blame It On The (Rhythm Of The) Rain

I remember one of the first full-length albums that I liked from beginning to end was The Cascades’ Rhythm of the Rain. I could listen to it from beginning to end without skipping tracks (it was also on vinyl, making it difficult to manually leap from track to track). As a kid of about 7 or 8 years old, I was fixated on the simple melodies and easy lyrics of their songs like “Rhythm of the Rain,” “Was I Dreamin’,” “The Last Leaf,” “Let Me Be.” These were songs I could easily comprehend and appreciate. It helped that the simplicity of their songs mimicked the early songs of The Beatles, my favorite band.

Tonight while idly surfing the net while waiting for my editor to finish, I had my iTunes on and the Cascades’ song “I Want To Be Your Lover” started playing. And while silently singing along to it, I was struck by an epiphany.

You don’t now the way I feel, oh no
Well, you think we’re just friends
So I go along like nothing’s wrong
But I know that is only pretense

I wanna be your lover
(I wanna be your lover)
I don’t wanna be your friend
(don’t wanna be your friend)

Oh my god. For so many years my major crushes were straight guys. First they became my friends then I would fall head-over-heels in love with them. You’d think that after a succession of crushes with my straight friends, I should have learned my lesson well and lived to tell the tale but no. Every time I fell for one, I always ignored the fact that a straight guy won’t be attracted to someone gay. I always held on thinking that maybe one day I’ll make him love me.

You don’t know just how much I love you
Though it’s easy to see
Cause if you knew how much I love you
And maybe someday, well, you might love me

I refused to see for myself that the whole situation was doomed from the start.

So I hope in time you’ll love me, oh yeah
Love me as I love you
But if this can’t be, I'd rather see
The whole thing come to an end

But then the inevitable end came as they always do, in my case several years later. Afterwards I always turned inward against myself in a combination of self-loathing and resignation: I’m not good enough for him. We weren’t meant for each other. He found someone else kasi eh. Excuses, justifications, defense mechanisms. It was self-flagellation time.

My gosh, The Cascades were to blame for my bloody love life growing up! Too bad they didn’t die in a plane crash as per urban myth. Instead they just grew up and grew out of the music business.

About a month or so ago they performed live in Manila. Thank god I had this epiphany only just now. Had it been months ago, I’d have crashed a plane into the concert venue: “See you survive this plane crash, f**kers!” Hahaha!