Straight Talk

In grade school I was always attracted to straight guys. I suppose when I was young I saw effeminate gays as “wannabe girls” instead of guys. And I had no concept of straight-acting gays yet.

The first straight guy I ever had a serious crush with was back in high school. We were in the same theater company. He was a batch younger than me. He was like a little boy lost. He sought me out to talk about anything and everything: advice on acting, help with homework, frustrations with his family. I was his older brother, a mentor he can always run to for anything. Little did I realize he was running off with my heart until it was too late. I became more emotionally needy and wanted to always be with him. When he realized I was getting too close for comfort, he pulled back a bit. Worse, he became best friends with a classmate of his, and whenever they’d have a fight, he’d come to me for advice.

The next one was in college. When I first met him, we were homeroom classmates in first year. We were in the same course, we loved the same comic book titles, we were crazy about movies, we were fans of ELO. His best friend was also enrolled in the same school but took a different course. At first they were inseparable in campus; eventually I supplanted his best friend and we were never apart. I visited him at his house whenever I could. Any favor he asked from me, I did without hesitation; I was at his beck and call. I even helped him patch up with his girlfriend whenever they’d have a fight. Eventually he was the very first person I came out to; I also told him my feelings for him. Naturally that freaked him out. Years passed before we were able to comfortably face each other. Now he’s married with kids and living outside the country; I don’t miss him at all. I’ve sooo moved on.

Then there was this account executive in the advertising agency where I worked. He was not even my type; I was close to his girlfriend first. But she would always drag me around with them whenever they’d go out-of-town. (They used me as an excuse so that her parents will allow her to go out of town: “I’ll be with friends! As in plural!”) He became so comfortable in my presence he didn’t hesitate to share a hotel room with me when we three went to Hong Kong. He is actually skittish around gays, but according to him I’m one of the few gay guys he knew who behaved in a respectable manner. Hah. I eventually told him of my feelings for him; I asked his girlfriend for advice first before sitting down with him. In fairness to everyone concerned we behaved like mature adults. I got over him pretty quickly, he never had a chance to feel uncomfortable towards me, and his girlfriend didn’t stop dragging me around to out-of-town trips. When the two got married I was invited to the wedding; there I finally let go of the last remaining romantic feelings I had for him.

Did I learn my lesson after all that? No! In between them I had crushes with several other straight guys—schoolmates, officemates, theater mates.

I remember the last straight guy I ever fell in love with. He was very secure in his sexuality; he was very comfortable with greeting me in public with a hug and a wet one on my cheek. He even allowed me to cuddle up to him when I slept over at his place—but only once and never again.

Nowadays I see straight guys as a source of friendship… and some amount of amusement. The way they can really be clueless about gays is amazing. Gays have the “advantage” of having the straight lifestyle shoved in our faces 24 hours a day—be it in movies, books, TV and other media. The poor straights have to wade through pirated copies of Queer As Folk to get an idea of our lifestyle—and even then that’s a very inaccurate picture.

Once in a while I meet a straight who’s so secure he’s unfazed by gays and is quite comfortable in their company. And I silently give thanks that there are open-minded people in this world, no matter how few they are.